Adult Search! I just spent all morning repeatedly jacking off to a porno about a guy who visits a massage parlor that happens to be run by a very famous porn starlet. I’m not sure how familiar you are with the genre, but the massage was not the wholesome backrub you bought your mom a gift certificate for last Christmas. It was more of a sucky fucky, love-you-long-time kind of thing. Once the hand cramping got bad enough to interrupt the wanking, I realized it would be a lot more sexually efficient to hit up an actual massage parlor. You know, the erotic kind. That’s when I hit up AdultSearch.Based in the Netherlands, AdultSearch.com has been helping consenting adults exchange money for sexual services for years now. The domain was registered more than 20 years ago! These days, they are pulling about 14 million views a month, making them a legit worldwide marketplace for sex. They’ve got all kinds of fun grown-up stuffed in their listings, but today I want to focus on their selection of erotic massage parlors.Erotic Massages In Every Corner of the GlobeThe front page shows you exactly what kind of territory AdultSearch aims to cover, and it’s the whole goddamn world. In fact, if it weren’t for the site logo and words like “Shemale Escorts” and “Meet and Fuck” in the header, the entire thing just reads like a list of places. A few dozen of their international top cities are listed near the top. Where would you like to go get your cock rubbed tonight?If you ain’t in a major city like Atlanta, Sydney or Vancouver, just scroll down the page a little bit. They’ve got adult listings broken down by country, state and city. All the usual suspects are here for your typical sex tourists looking for paid action in places like Thailand, and they’ve even got listings in surprise locations like Nairobi and the UAE. Try not to get your head cut off just for getting a handjob in the Middle East.Once you’ve chosen your city, AdultSearch gives you a handful of listing types to choose from. There are strip clubs and escorts, sex shops, swingers clubs and gay bathhouses. There are sex forums for every city where you can talk about those services and escorts, but like I said, today we’re going to zoom in on the erotic massage parlors listed in your city.Is That Massage Parlor Erotic or Not?One of the most frustrating things as a horny pervert with a compulsive need for hourly orgasms is not knowing which massage parlors give more than massages. It sucks driving past a place that might have blowjobs for sale but being afraid to empty your wallet and leave with blue balls. It sucks even worse when you whip out your erection only to have the police called on you and have to hide in a dumpster outside. I always end up masturbating with the smell of rancid cat food in my nostrils because even though it would be my third strike, I’m still primed and ready to go. Fuck the police!The erotic massage parlor listings on AdultSearch take out a lot of that mystery. For one thing, they are on a list with “erotic” in the title. Do you know what I really love, though? The reviews from friendly grown-ups like you and me. You know, perverts.I’m in San Francisco today, so while I waited for my ounce of weed to get delivered like pizza, I pulled up AdultSearch’s selection of dirty massage parlor listings. They may have made of plastic drinking straws illegal here, but goddamn, you can certainly find yourself a kinky rubdown or two. Over 100 erotic massage parlors are listed, so it’s a good thing I bought all that counterfeit Viagra in Chinatown.They understand how important those reviews are, so the default view sorts the parlors by the newest review. You can also rearrange them by rating, the number of reviews, or available videos. As I browsed through different cities on the site, I really didn’t see many videos, which makes sense given the legal gray area we’re fucking around in here.I did find an odd quirk with the number of reviews listed on the parlors pages. Sometimes AdultSearch will say a joint doesn’t have any reviews, but then you find some at the bottom of the listing. This is kind of annoying because I’d rather avoid the places nobody is talking about and would prefer a way to really separate them from the popular parlors.A Message from your Fellow JohnsThe newest review here is for a place in the downtown financial district, and that’s also the location with the most reviews on this cities list. I guess it’s a popular place to go when your wife is being a frigid bitch and your tubes are getting all backed up.Most of the reviews are admittedly pretty vague, but even a simple star rating from a fellow sexual deviate is useful when you’re picking out a place to get your dick bounced on. Other reviews are full of relevant details like prices, tips for getting the best service, and information about the location itself. Users can even add photos or videos to their reviews.The dude who wrote the newest review of this place I’m thinking of hitting up says I should ask for a big-titted Asian named Tina. He says the parlor is in kind of a busy area, which sucks, but the total cost for a room and service makes it sound worth it. Hell, I’m the kind of guy who will buy a blowjob at McDonald’s at the price is right, and this place is apparently underground.One problem I ran into during my visit to the site was that I could only view the first page of the reviews for each parlor. Each subsequent page came up blank. Given the age and popularity of the site, I’d bet any money this is just a temporary bug that will hopefully be fixed by the time you read this.Remember I mentioned the discussion forums AdultSearch has for each city? One of the things I really love is that each massage parlor listing has quick links to any relevant threads about the joint. Any serious issues or mind-blowing perks will naturally be highlighted immediately.Vaginas Were Made for Massaging PenisesThe reviews are easily one of the most helpful tools AdultSearch gives you to find a good massage parlor, but every listing is chock-full of useful and relevant information. This includes whether you need to bring cash or make an appointment, hourly rates, masseuse ethnicities, and available amenities. Some joints include a private dance with VIP, others give you access to a private hot tub, while others insist you park your semi-truck outback. Business hours are listed in a big block, broken down by day so you don’t end up trying to break down their doors with an angry erection.Contact information is always listed and available without having to sign up or log in. That’s good news for you freaks who share your laptop with your wife, though you can always tell them a computer virus was looking for places to bang an Asian hooker. It wasn’t me, I swear!Since this is an international site, each parlor listing has a convenient currency converter built into the page right below the listed prices. Never struggle with a pillowcase full of pesos at an Australian erotic massage joint ever again! Be careful about those prices on the page, though. The reviews often give more accurate representations of what you will actually be paying.I thought I had my sexy massage parlor all picked out, but then I realized some of the listings even include coupons for discounts on their services. Fuck yeah! Guess who’s getting touched in a familiar way for half-price tonight.I’ve got to tell you, I had a pretty serious case of blue balls when I started writing this and it’s only gotten worse as I read about the things these ladies will do to me for a few bucks. The erotic massage parlor listings on AdultSearch are not only extensive and worldwide, but they are full of enough useful information to help you find the best action available in your area right away. It doesn’t cost anything to browse and you don’t need to sign up, so there’s really no reason not to peruse the listings in your area.
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